you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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