Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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