did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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