Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
