her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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