I feel like I'm in dance class right now
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
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