Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
