My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
