You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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