I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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