What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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