I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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