How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
