I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
