I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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