i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
