i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
