Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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