yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Houston, we have a squirter
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
