he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Your cock deserves a montage
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
