You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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