a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
