I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
