Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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