I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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