If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
