I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
