So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Randomize
