just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
