Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize