Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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