i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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