# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
