I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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