Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
