my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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