Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
We don't watch enough power rangers
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
