I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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