But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
