She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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