I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
