the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize