This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
