Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
