the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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