Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
