theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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