I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
