I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
