Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize