Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
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