yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
