I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
