Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
