I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
