cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
