My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
