You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
